“I have never shared this with anyone except Vaibhav…”, my wife wrote on a group chat… I was surprised… Whilst they were out closest friends, I was not sure if she should have shared that… Maybe it was out of my possessiveness of her – the loss of being the only one to have known… maybe that exclusivity slipping away on this made me uncomfortable… I don’t know…
Opening up to something personal does that… gives the listener a feeling of privilege… a sense of trust is developed… a sense of closer relationship… that unmasking of one’s mind gives the listener that sense that the person sharing can be relied upon… Maybe it is because the listener inherently realizes that the person is giving them the unfettered power to use that information about them which brings that comfort… knowing that the person is ok being vulnerable in front of them, also incites a feeling of care for that person…
But then its a double edged sword… so many of us after opening up and having shared our insecurities or deepest feelings, feel uncomfortable once the moment has passed… and then that instinctive desire to maintain a bit of a distance kicks in… almost like we are saying… In a weak moment I gave you the sword that cuts me at deep pyschological levels… let me now keep a distance so that you get the message that you do not have that power or right over me… or that you do not get the wrong notions that we have a deeper connection… essentially that guilt of having done something irreversibly stupid…
Or the reverse happens… people who have shared, expect the same in return whilst the recipient has no such intent… leading to a fatal mismatch of feelings and expectations… and at times if not the expectation of mental nakedness in return, there is certainly the hygiene of full honesty in mutual dealings with each other that sets in…
And I know as much because am actually a man of no filter with a big speaker for a mouth… Residing in a country where concept of personal space is quite strong, I behave the opposite… I am loud, outspoken and share a lot of my personal life with almost anyone who spends sometime with me… My happiness, frustrations, thoughts, wishes, aspirations… would have labelled myself narcissistic if my outbursts would not have included my insecurities and things that certainly would be considered embarrassing to share by other people… But I talk… caring a rat’s ass of how he I am being perceived… in my mind there is just no fear…
The benefit of having no opaque filters is that it is liberating for me I guess… not worried about people’s perceptions… can talk, walk, dress, behave… whatever way heart wishes… Just simply naturally be what I am all the time…
The cornerstone of this is the mental level of readiness to be judged…
A very close friend of mine once remarked… to bring back the fire in your writing you need to be emotionally charged… hook up with someone just emotionally and then break off… awesomeness will return to your script… my wife and my other friends wife crucified him for suggesting an idea of an emotional affair… but I realized that he was being completely honest in sharing his mind… An innocent idea (as per him) from his heart without realizing that we will judge…
Have realized that it takes extreme levels of self esteem to not care about how you are being judged by others when you decide to open up… For words no matter how eloquent and verbose… can never convey integrity… can never build trust… people will form differing perceptions no matter how candid you are… and its not their fault… words mean different things in different context… they are absorbed and processed by intellect based on each ones own moral value system, past experiences, an already formed belief of what they mean and feelings, moods and sentiments of the listener about the person speaking them and when they are spoken… Your intentions and meaning behind your statements cannot be expected to understood the same way as you mean them… hence one needs to accept the risk of being misunderstood when unabashedly exposing your mind… its ridiculous to keep feeling disappointed about the same and still yearn to be an open book… People will only read lines they like, the way they like and even between them where there is nothing as well… close your book if that affects you…
My wife shared a gem of wisdom as last words on this when I was discussing this with her… she said… being mentally naked may build trust… but you should share when you have a relationship… never, never ever to build one…
Inside VG... 