On the other side of my time…

I usually am asked about my age once in a few months… not for any specific reason, but just generally. New acquaintances, someone’s birthday – including my own, some form to fill in, and so on. But it does not register anything in mind all the time…

But at times, I have realized it now, somewhere it does seep down… that I am going to complete 38 this year. And I suddenly feel down…

Knowing that I maybe, just maybe, am closer to my end than I was to my beginning… that I am maybe on the other side of the bell curve of life…

That I do not now have the body or the energy left in it, to do things that I once enjoyed… how it manifests so nakedly when I cannot even keep up to my 8 year old son’s physical play requests… How I want to just lie down and relax… watch a movie or something that I can escape easily into… rather than run around and find my joints aching, lungs out of breath and no stamina left…

That I may have more memories than my dreams… and that I find solace and more happiness in my past achievements than the excitement of what goals lie before me…

That I enjoy more relaxing holidays than non-stop thrills… that a nice evening by the beach or on the mountains seems more appealing than a night out…

That now I wish for my children to fulfil big dreams than me aiming for any for myself…

That even in all relationships, there is a sense of maturity and understanding… not the raw passion and devil may care approach… That I find myself letting go things more easily than fiercely fighting for them… That I just move on more times than otherwise making an effort for standing my ground… That now there are very few things that matter to me, compared to my yester years…

That now I probably have more grey and white hairs than black… and maybe a bald patch is developing somewhere on my head… and that it does not even matter!

Physically, mentally, emotionally… every which way there is slowing down…

Physically is purely out of life style habits… lack of exercise and addiction to sugar being the core culprits… those can change, if I had the will…

But that’s where the mental and emotional angles spring up… Am I becoming a lazy sloth who does not want to do anything… who is just happy where I am and whiter my time away in my memories…
Is it the withdrawal of a tired soul… like that of a crippled beggar who to save his pride says he never dreamt of owning a Mercedes…

Or are this changes a sign of maturity and wisdom… of accepting the reality that audacity and belligerence can only be temporal… that not everyone’s purpose of life needs to be grand and pursued and achieved only at the end… that one may already be happy and there is no need for an endless chase… that even simple and small things in life are as satisfying as grand ones… that its better to not be a Victims of our expectations…

I don’t really know… And whilst this sounds really depressing… I then realize that its still not all that true…

For I still find myself putting on music on my way to work and directing a dream sequence in my mind… with the hero being me, almost always into a heroic act of some sort…

That I still go ahead and innately find myself at work, looking for new challenges and switching roles even if they mean more difficulties…

That I still go on and jump in to new ventures with my wife – wanting to piggy back on her passion for life and abilities to create something of value.. of making a difference…

That I still once in a while go ahead and make an effort of going for a work out session… for a game of tennis… go for thrilling water rides even if I have to go alone whilst my family lazes around in the pool… jump from a mountain with a parachute just for the thrills… plan a whole vacation by myself and elope with my wife for 2 weeks… take the challenge of managing 2 kids and work for 2 weeks at a stretch…

So you see… some candles may be blown off, but some still don’t seem to be extinguishing at all… that even if at times I feel like I am on the other side of my time… It does not seem like I care about the clock at all… and life goes on!