Is it selfish? Jainee asked candidly…
We were discussing moving countries and the pains around them… And she remarked that the first thought that comes to her mind is what will she do in the new place… and that brought this question to her… obviously we won’t even consider if it’s a place that’s not good for the kids… and if that’s a granted given then irrespective of the gender, should a trailing spouse really think about their own happiness if the opportunity to the other is good and will contribute well to the family as a whole…
Even before I started speaking… which was almost instantaneously, Jainee stopped me… she said – don’t respond with an answer that you give to make me feel good about myself and earn brownie points for yourself… There are many times she tells me that she knows exactly who I am… and such instances make me believe her more!
It’s an interesting question… it’s about balance isn’t it… at an individual level, balance between personal aspirations and family responsibilities in one owns mind… between spouses, in expectations and roles each expects from the other to play…
And the answer to this is so subjective… I told Jainee that as long as the trailing spouse can accept and adjust (& not tolerate and resent)… its fine… but there is no one answer to this as each one’s situation is little different… where they come from, what they expect in life, what that expect from their partner, what they want for their kids, how they feel about their current situation, what personal aspirations they have and how strong they are for them, etc etc…
Jainee was exasperated… generally I am freaking blunt and opinionated (or what I like to say – clear in my thinking)… but to her, clearly I was beating around the bush here… somewhere I suspect that she felt I was avoiding telling her ‘Yes, each partner needs to sacrifice for the family and for that personal aspirations should come last’… as it would sound implicitly anti feminist on women’s day given that most trailing spouses are generally women…
Jainee said she knows so many accomplished woman who are equally capable but have decided to sacrifice their aspirations and were happy to follow their husbands for their career and eventual financial well being of their family or better opportunities for their kids… she wondered if it was by choice… and if they did it by choice, are they happy about it or is there regret and resentment now…
And though I then went on to blabber something about this being a factor of finding acceptance in your roles and keeping a positive mindset and harmony of expectations between both spouses… I really don’t think I clearly understand this one…
The frustrations of restarting one’s life all over again… the pains of moving homes, most of the times in rented units… making new friends… finding your footing in new surroundings… even when humans were hunter gatherers and nomads thousands of years ago, they lived in a tribe… finding your new one again in a modern world at that age… having to let go of whatever one has started or achieved in a place or direction… to go through that suffocating silence of loneliness… when happy memories of a well set past cause the most lingering resentment of the unsettled present… whilst everyone else’s life – husband, children… settles quickly enough and goes on as usual… and then to add insult to injury… those feelings that one’s own self esteem and worth is going down with a notion of being taken for granted… or when asks for being involved in the same families life as much as possible is labelled as becoming too clingy…
When in the past one is used to answering ‘What do you do’ with a sense of pride… to answering ‘what brings you here’ with a trailing spouse response and having no joy in that…
The sacrifices of a trailing spouse are too real… and unless the spouse following is truly ok by themselves deciding for themselves in that move… I don’t think it’s really selfish of them…
And it’s very easy for us to judge from our own standpoint about whether someone else’s spouse is right or wrong in their choices and aspirations v/s what is their responsibility towards their family or what’s good for them… either we have not made those sacrifices to really understand the gravity or we forget that each families situation and each person is unique… to seriously ponder, analyse and theorize in other people’s decisions, I think is fraught with danger…
However Jainee will try and get a better world view of that question by talking to her tribe of talented women… for we only get better by understanding different opinions… as long as we intend to listen to understand and not judge…
Inside VG... 