An admission upfront – this is my theoretical take on depression based on second hand experience.
I do not understand what is depression. I do not know what it is since I have never in my life so far (at time of this writing, 6 months away from turning 40) come even close to anything like what people talk about when they speak of depression.
Jainee (my wife) tells me that it is because I have never faced failures or struggled for anything I have ever wanted (working hard is different – struggling is working hard and repeatedly failing) .
That is probably true… I have not faced any major failures in life. If I were to count what I felt were my biggest failures so far in my life, they would be:
- Failing in my first attempt to clear the finals of my Chartered Accountancy exams in India (I cleared in 2nd attempt), where less than 2% passed; so ya not being in that top 2% that time.
- Failing to win the Economic Times Young Leaders Award in India (I was a finalist and lost in the last round), when I was 32 years old and was the first time I participated and was the last year I could due to age restrictions (so was my last chance as well).
And the only time I have put in a struggle to get something is 20 years back, for 3+ years of my internship for Chartered Accountancy, I used to travel almost everyday for 40 minutes in a 2nd class coach of a Mumbai local with 1 hand and 1 leg inside the compartment and everything else hanging outside (so that train ride every day was a struggle – for not everyday I was able to catch the first train even like this).
That’s it – just 2 failures and 1 struggle is what I recollect. And you have to admit that for all this instances, most people will remark – are you freaking serious, are you trying to be subtly vain and pompous by showing off such things as failures (like how people say in interviews that their greatest flaw is being a perfectionist or being outspoken or honest). But no, I am not self aggrandizing here – because I am admitting that I know that compared to what others face, these are nothing to qualify as failures or struggles.
The Basic Premise – Life can & will change at any moment
But I have seen failures and struggles up close of others in my family – and the reactions to feelings of dejection & fear – that trepidations that come with images of a bleak future. And I have seen them overcome it and life has moved on for better, for all of them so far.
And so I also do not understand what causes people to not overcome depression just knowing that life can & to be honest, will turn any moment.
All our life, we try to be in control… plan and make efforts to get what we want as per our plan… but with so many variables in life, it’s impossible to guarantee anything (it’s an ironical wish, defeating each other really – wanting free will and choices in the world but also wishing that we be able to control and get everything we plan for)… hence the way people keep failing in spite of their best efforts, things can change tomorrow even without any of their efforts… all one needs to do is hang in there and experience life as it is going on without drowning one self in their own impatient expectations.
Everything in the universe is moving and changing… nothing is at standstill… all celestial objects, space and time… every living organisms body… every human’s emotions and psyche evolves over time… all of societies culture and norms or business conditions change so quickly now a days…
Why then at that point of depression does one feel that life will not turn into something better again. How is one so fatalistic at that point in time to feel that future is hopelessly dreadful… one’s expectations from life changes just with passage of time or current conditions could change with time and expectations get fulfilled… what makes us lose sight of that real actual possibility?
Why then one lose sight of this basic premise?
A friend of mine who is extremely insightful and wise, told me last week that depression is a neurological disease (a disorder of structure or function) where a person cannot think rationally. All that I am saying is true when a person is rational. But in depression, the rational functionality is overcome by the storm of those feelings and these facts do not find an audience in that person’s brain.
I also realized that our thinking and desires are shaped by what we repeatedly are exposed to… and more recent events have a more pronounced impact on our feelings and expectations. So if anyone has been continuously staring at recent failures and struggles, the entire future outlook is marred by the near term debacles.
How can someone then wake up to the fact that there could be very different possibilities in future when someone is not able to rationalize and come out of the near term storm they have gone into?
The community effect
The same friend I mentioned above, on an unrelated topic sent a fantastic article by @James Clear where the author mentions how facts do not change one’s mind… it is the tribe or community where one wants to belong, that leads to making up one’s opinion. Standing contrary to a community’s stand leads to loneliness and as humans we will choose what facts we want to believe in based on the community we want to attract or be part of… so to change someone’s mind and to get them to accept something, attract them with a community they will relate to, and you can get them to accept things easily…
In case of depression, so many authors and expert write the same thing… talk about your feelings, get it out and you will find people resonating with you… that way you find a community that relates to you and that as a herd gives hope to carry on…
Why I think the community effect are the crutches
But what I think is that feelings are like the wind… you cannot see it but you can see or feel only its effects and describe the wind with it…
Similarly all feelings can only be felt and we can only describe their effects… and because as humans we condition our minds to describe the effects in the same language and with the same examples, we believe we are all feeling the same thing…
For example, the palpitating heart beat when we describe excitement, the churn in our stomach when we describe nervousness, the cast down eyes when we describe sadness…
But it is not necessary that we are feeling the same thing or with the same intensity… people just comprehend the effects in their context and preconceptions…
The point is – no one really knows what or how the other is feeling… but we all try to come to a consensus that we understand each other’s feeling and find solace in the connection…
The hard truth is that like how the feelings of depression arises from the mismatch of one’s own expectations vs their current reality and future outlook, the coming out of it also is really a factor of one’s own doing… That desire to live and come out of it has to come from one’s own consciousness…
This whole finding a community thing are the crutches that we are giving our mind to stand back up on after we have suffered a series of fractures… but first we have to consciously decide that we want to and will walk or even possibly run the marathon again by ourselves… its our own self belief, the desire to live and the emotional switch change that has to happen first…
How about tinkering with the hardware?
The other way to observe feelings is to see inside our brain… the parts of brain & the neural networks that light up when we feel something… the neurons which we cannot control and fake… and the author @Yuval Noah Harari believes that with the understanding of the neural networks, we can manipulate feelings by combination of chemical drugs by either suppressing or exciting those networks…
I have asked him the question – isn’t what we see inside the brain an effect of our feelings (rather than the feelings being an effect of those networks)? With physiatric medicines (or even psychedelic drugs) we are able to generate or subside feelings by manipulating the hardware inside our brain…
But isn’t this like putting more petrol / gas in a car’s engine or switching on or off a booster in the engine… it will give more or less energy to move faster or slower… but the direction in which we want to take the car, is based on the steering wheel which only our consciousness has control over?
Essentially what I am saying is that manipulating the hardware of our brain will affect the organ via which we experience the feelings… without the organ we have no ability to feel anything… but the mind is a faculty that cannot be controlled by drugs… and the conscious desire / will to feel something cannot be generated by the drugs…
Medicines and drugs too are also just crutches to get up and help move if one really wants to move… but to move & where to move, that is a choice one needs to make by themselves first…
So what is the point?
The only point of this whole write up is to express that the first thing I hope someone can realise is that they cannot be so certain of their negative future… and that is really true and not a placebo.
Once that outlook is adaptable then there is a community out there which will resonate with one’s feelings that can help even if no one can really know how one feel’s… there will be medicines too that will help calm the brain which is overwhelmed at that time and manipulate the neural networks to rewire them differently…
But first genuinely realize – that one should want to have a desire to go on with the realisation that the depressing outlook for future is not really true or certain.
Parting true stories – a Purpose can help keep out of depression
My father in law suffered a heart attack in his early 40s… he had just started out on his own from the joint family business and had suffered setbacks… he had 3 kids who were still studying… he recovered after a heart bypass surgery… In his 50’s he suffered a stroke in spite of having taking good care of his health after the heart attack… the stroke left him left side paralysed… he still had 2 kids who were studying… he recovered within 6 months fully…
Today all his kids are well settled… he has now retired and has 4 grand kids… keeping himself occupied with either travels or society/religious activities…
The only thing that kept him going then and not getting into depression – in spite of the very clear indication that his body is failing… that the odds were clearly against him… was his self belief and will power… that accepting defeat and disability was not an option, and till the moment he has breath, he will keep going… everything else has followed.
There was a purpose which he would not let go, no matter how tired he got… and he kept digging even when he saw no light at the end of tunnel, till the time he reached the other end – for 2 decades!
My father moved to Mumbai from his village when he was 18 years old… he would study in college and work part time as an accountant… to pay for his hostel, college fees and also send money back home to his parents who did not even have a home in the village of their own… He brought his whole family to Mumbai when he was 24 or 25 and was still trying to clear his Chartered Accountancy… he started his practice for Tax Consultancy whilst he was still studying as he needed money… He kept going for 20 years and struggled to keep the family up and going – paying for buying 3 homes till then…
And in middle of this 2 decades, he had a train accident where a Mumbai local train ran over his left thigh and crushed it… He had a rod inserted and continued… So in spite of economic hardships that showed no sign of going away and facing such accident, he kept going… not getting into depression…
Then at around 45 years of age he started another Finance business (when me and my brother were coming to age of pursuing professional degrees) to pay for our fees… he got ensnared in government regulations and actually went into depression feeling lonely and scared…
He needed comfort of family members and reassurances that its not bad and that everyone is with him… the community support was there… he did not need medicines (or so I think)… and he came out of it pretty quickly and continued…
After 42 years of working he has semi-retired and sold off his practice… he keeps himself busy with helping the person who bought his practice and travels to visit his son’s & grand kids who stay in Singapore and Germany…
His story is again of one where someone keeps going for decades driven by a purpose and not getting tired of it in spite of odds coming up time and again…
I have similar stories of my mother and mother in law as well… I see struggles & depressing realities in my family at different times… and I see that no one gave up – but overcame them because of the purpose they had which kept them going…
Purpose then can be a source of strength… it becomes overwhelming expectations which one drowns into only if one stops believing in themselves and loses confidence…
And how to be confident again – that is a whole different topic!
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