I have realized that the amount of my fear of losing what I have in my life (including my life itself) is basically the value I place on those people or things… So when I feel afraid in anticipation of losing any of it or sad or angry on having lost any of it… I instantly also feel deeply grateful for having had something so valuable in my life to feel so strongly about…
After all… What different or special I have done to have got it in the first place…
The long list of my gratitude that almost seems endless
Parents who slogged their life to nurture me, provide for my every need, keep me safe, grow me, give me the base to build my life on… and who now don’t expect anything from me nor are dependent on me for anything… Who even though clearly feel extremely lonely, still wish that I and my wife/kids stay safe & happy away from them rather than be in a place with them where our future may not be as secure… Who want to give everything they have even today for me who isn’t able to be next to them…
And this includes my parent in laws who repose the highest amount of trust in me… who put me on a pedestal almost… with whom I can speak for hours and look forward to time together where ever we are…
To have extended family and first cousins in my home country who are close enough to lean on at any time to give that comfort to my parents there… At least make them feel like they have someone of their own there…
I have been so lucky to have friends with whom I have grown through my young adulthood… And have shared all memories together as couple friends, and then with our kids growing together… Even after 5 years of us being away… when I asked for them, they were up to do anything as if we were still the same – as if for our relationship time had stopped… and then for whom when I cannot be there, it wrenches my guts to no end today… With whom not being able to spend this time right now makes me despair…
And then to have made couple friends here… In a new country… At a mid age… With whom there is never a dull moment… Where our talks over coffee are more interesting than I am sure anyone else’s high that they might be getting after any amount of liquor… Losing whom right now sends a shudder down my spine just imagining Saturday evenings without them…
That I have met so many amazing people in my home and in a new country – some amazingly networked, some full of life, many fantastic achievers, so many with a good heart and noble intent… it humbles me at times and inspires me in other moments – egging me on to emulate and just be better in life if nothing else…
To have had bosses thorough out my life who believed in me… Who saw that spark in me and gave me the opportunities one which others surely envied or would have given a hand a leg for… Trusted me to no extent… So much so that they actually moved me places and gave me new roles with a leap of faith really… That faith in my skills and integrity… my privilege is so high that I feel under a debt that is difficult to repay…
And I have been supported from people who have hardly even known me – strangers have hosted me in a foreign country just so that I could give my academic exams – which I cleared and grew my career upon… and then never met again ever!!!
I have had colleagues whom on paper I have led as a manager – but whose qualities I have admired and wished to have imbibed in me… Never sure if I was giving them or taking more from them myself…
To have reached that financial stage where there means to live a comfortable life – enjoy every weekend with friends and family out, not having to think about cost twice… Travelling for vacations though the world – and shorter vacations through the year… Being able to afford a place where every kid has his/her room, a patio to relax and yet think of a spare guest room – in a developed first world country!
And to have had a mind which was happy when I was in chawl with hardly such comforts… and which is equally at ease with all this luxuries in life… which by the way includes having a tennis group and time to enjoy it daily!
The health consciousness that at has come at the age close to 40, and thankfully yet with a body that has adapted so well that now imagining a flat stomach from a 39 inch waist is a possibility and not wishful thinking…
Having had the blessing of trusted helpers who treated my home and family as theirs – with whom we were able to leave our kids (& everything at home) and pursue our dreams… who have literally been the third wheel in our married life without which our marital bliss would not have kept an easy balance…
And have a brother and his wife with whom our calls never end in an hour… Where both our families wish to spend life together… That luck to have such bonding and warmth in relationship… Where with absolutely no other expectation or dependency on each other but just one… That to have family next to each other exists…
To have a 12 year old son whose progress, attitude, skills, knowledge makes me already dream of his happy future… Who wants to talk to us, be with us and spend time with us everyday… As family… Who enjoys family watsapp groups 🙂
A daughter who is a sweetheart.. sensitive… Caring… But also so sassy… Who doesn’t give up anything… Wants to try new things… Wants to learn and shine…
And a wife who is a rock star… Absolutely understands me more than I know myself… Has that vision for life, that personality and strength… That ability to manage… That drive and vivacity… And someone who keeps it all together…
So you see… there is a lot to be grateful about…
So what is this about?
Am I trying to show off under a garb of fake humility all the good things I have in my life – absolutely not; there are many who have much more and I certainly have no airs or grand ideas about myself to attempt anything like that. Most of the things above if you delve in your own lie you shall find too…
Is this about me listing down my blessings to make myself feel good about my life in times of despair – well its certainly not my attempt to write a journal note for myself… this list is just typed in on the fly and I could keep adding to it every minute I keep typing… and I do not need to remind myself of it…
Then this is about puking out my guilt and clearing my conscience of having had an easy (or rather easier) life and not having given equivalent in return? I don’t know – certainly the blessings I feel in my life may be comparative to my expectations or what I feel I have given in return, but I am not typing this whole thing up as a confession of my sins or anything of that sort…
This is literally a about sharing my realization where recently I have crossed a stage where things have gone away or are in danger of going away… friends, bosses, colleagues, unable to be with parents, health issues, job security, etc… And every one I see around me are going through the same issues… And that I have found a natural tendency by many to find blame in something for their anger, fear and sadness…
But the more I have experienced fear, anger or sadness… in contrast – rather than finding blame, I have found myself veering closer to people, things and aspects of my life I value and cherish… as if I am trying to put my arms around & embrace tightly all of them… and cherish all I have that I love or make attempts to draw more memorable moments out of them…
And that attempt has only constantly made me realize how grateful I need to be… for I have seriously have so much to fall back up on, enjoy and safeguard… and god swear compared to the struggles people make to get these or be just unlucky to have never had some (like parents or cousins or siblings)… I have just been lucky beyond my imagination…
This sentiment has actually been deeply helpful as:
- I tend to become quite humble and sensitive as opposed to the blinded & self indulgent person I normally become enjoying my hedonistic life – which in turn makes most of the things I value, value me in return as well
- There is in general more positivity and constructiveness in my life – not the victim attitude, complaining mindset or in general depression
I guess the idea is pretty simple and an old one… as a Christian hymn by Jonson Oatman Jr. goes:
When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.
Not a bad idea isn’t it… maybe you have a perspective to share?
